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Posted by : Jonny Brighton Wednesday, 15 January 2014

A room of hated people.
Throughout the ages, the most hated people have undoubtedly been politicians. From Hitler to Obama, not one of them has gone without hateful cartoons, widespread discontent, and general dislike. This has led me to wonder, what is the perfect politician? What would his/her traits be? What would their life story be? Having studied people’s likes and dislikes of both humans and politicians, I’ve created a list of a few of the main features this ‘perfect politician’ would need (I’m sure I’ve missed out plenty of other massively important traits, but this is at least a foundation).

1) They must be charming, charismatic and interesting

Probably one of the most important features of the perfect politician. By being charming and charismatic, they can pretty much forget about the other important features, as they can hide the majority of their mistakes and short-fallings behind a façade of schmoozing and flirting. I’m pretty sure if Will Smith was a politician, his smooth, charismatic side would be more than enough to hide any public disgrace or political corruption. What I’m basically saying is people like Ed Miliband, David Cameron and Nick Clegg are not quite at that standard. Obama’s not doing too badly though, the majority of people outside America seem to believe he’s some kind of charm idol.

2) Alongside charm, being physically attractive

It hasn’t been a major factor, but people generally like and react better to things that are aesthetically pleasing, I believe politicians are no different. For example, Paul Ryan (Mitt Romney's running mate for the 2012 election) and his fan club of crazy young women, it’s no wonder the first suggestion on Google images is this:


 Not to mention the ‘workout’, ‘p90x’, ‘working out’ and ‘body’. People don’t want policies, people want biceps, abs and a jawline (in a male politician, obviously the criteria for a female politician would be far more based around boobs, bums and the likes). Put Jennifer Lawrence/Aniston, or even Lucy Pinder up for election and there would be a landslide.

3) Must be around the pre-middle-aged stage

If a politician is too old, they’re considered ‘out of touch’ by the younger generations, and yet if they’re too young they’re in prime position to be called a ‘career politician’ or simply just be too inexperienced to the older generations. The whole concept of age in politics is a grey area; an area with no clear middle-ground, so I’d suggest the mid-30s as a fair compromise for both.

4) Has worked a job in every single damned sector of employment

Including retail, catering, business, accounting, law, authorities, arts, sport, cleaning, public services, and all the other possible career paths. This would create a politician with no chance of being named a career politician (although they may not be able to keep a job), and one with some form of experience in everyone’s career, maybe even some expertise in one or two. Their empathy would increase tenfold. 

5) Perfect example of social mobility

Their preferable life story would be: Born into low income family on benefits in council housing, somewhere surrounded by different cultures of equally poor families, gaining understanding of everyone’s situation by childhood friendships. Going to a low-achieving secondary school but still achieving highly, gaining at least 3As at A2, and going to a respectable university (but not Oxbridge, all politicians are Oxbridge). Doing well at university and leaving with a masters, and getting a job (in every sector mentioned in the previous point) while leading a middle class life. Becomes a politician and hits the elite life, but still has empathy for all the other classes. Basically they need to have this as their theme tune (just with less explicit language, and less dick-headed-ness):


(for the iPad/iPhone users that can't see this: click here)

6) Huge racial diversity

Not only will they have had to be brought up around multiple cultures, to cater to as many people as possible they should have mixed raced parents, preferably with some Asian, White, Black and Oriental, to be able to really connect with the electorate. It’s the only way.

7) Of course, not allowed any opinions that disagree with anyone else’s

Like Jim Carrey in ‘Yes Man’, the perfect politician should be able to please every opinion by saying yes to everyone’s opinions, even with contradictions. When the rich ask for less tax, and the poor ask for more taxing of the rich, they have to be able to say yes to both, somehow. Of course, that will become much easier if they’re charming and smooth, as mentioned in point 1.

Basically what I’m trying to say is that the perfect politician is non-existent; impossible; there will never be one that everyone likes (or at least that everyone agrees with) simply due to the diversity of people and their opinions around the world. And without the perfect political model, it’s difficult for politicians to even gain a majority of people actually liking them. Maybe hatred just comes in the job description.

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